Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
You Might Also Like
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
#CoronaOutbreak
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Weirdly Wednesday.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Is your wife single?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
oh my god
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!