The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.