non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I’m giving up for Lent.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”