If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.