Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.