I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.