dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Every haunted house movie:
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up