Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?