Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Yoga Matt
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
nyc:
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Become ungovernable.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?