butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I have questions??
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Love is in the air fryer.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.