I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
You Might Also Like
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
That eye roll….
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Steam Forums
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.