Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh