Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
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Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
🤯🤯🤯
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”