Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁