Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Am getting real tired of your crap…