Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I can’t wait!
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!