Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
You Might Also Like
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”