Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.