Sell your car
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[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.