11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Well, this is awkward
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific