“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
You Might Also Like
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
every college guy’s fridge
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Nose