My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.