[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
You Might Also Like
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.