Mood.. 😂
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
kitchen magnet
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.