Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
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can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.