If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.