i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
You Might Also Like
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
accurate
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
You can’t rush stupid.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.