I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”