#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
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My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine