I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*