If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
translated into Canadian
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt