“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My new favorite headline
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Twitter fine art
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons