[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Oh, I bet you would be
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.