It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
You Might Also Like
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
my friends when i can’t do basic math
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”