boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
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never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.