Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
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Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.