The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time