[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Scream sneezers need love too.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Friday night party time 🥳
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”