11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Stick it to the man
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
he’s doing your taxes
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.