Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
kids play hide and seek like
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.