I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
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some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME