Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
You Might Also Like
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday