[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches