A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*