How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.