I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
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I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
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I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.