Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
OMG 🤣🤣
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.