They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
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Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
i’m sure it’s fine
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.