ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.