*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
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Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO